Feelings

This week has been so complicated with the ups and downs. I am currently in a long spiral downward that is probably common after the funeral of a close relative. I have been so blessed in that my last family funeral was 26 years ago and I am not practiced or familiar with everything that is included in losing a family member. Along that line I also didn’t realize the roles spouses play in certain situations. Mostly I feel that I have moved past the anger of my asshole ex husband leaving me like a child who gets a new toy, but on days like today where he should have had to support me and stand by me I feel those emotions rise to the surface once more and had me daydreaming about a solar flare melting his face off. I shouldn’t have to come home after a function like this to an empty house and a ton of thoughts that can never be shared. I feel devastated for my grandma. Her face just erupted with emotion when she entered to room. I snickered at some comments made by the children who were understandably confused and curious about the whole situation. Relief washed over me as a walked to my car. Disappointed crept slowly into my mind as I got home with all of these unsaid comments or hidden emotions that would only be shared with my dog. I’m gonna try and lighten the load here until I find a better medium to express myself and share my issues.